How to Build the Foundation for Healthy Relationships in Childhood

How to Build the Foundation for Healthy Relationships in Childhood

Many parents wonder when they should start teaching their autistic child about relationships.  The answer is earlier than many people think.  Teaching children about relationships is not the same as teaching them about sex.  Instead, it means helping children learn the skills they need to become good friends, respectful classmates, and caring partners one day.

Teach Children to Think About Other People’s Feelings

Healthy relationships involve caring about how other people feel.  Some autistic children find it harder to recognize another person’s thoughts, feelings, or needs.  This does not mean they are unkind or do not care.  They may simply need more direct teaching and practice.  Parents and caregivers can help by asking questions such as:

“How do you think your friend is feeling?”

“What do you think made them happy?”

“What could you do to help?”

These conversations teach children to think about other people’s feelings and understand that everyone has different thoughts and experiences.

Practice Friendly Social Skills

Making friends takes practice.  To help autistic children develop these skills, teaching them easy ways to start conversations can go a long way.  Starting conversations helps kids get into the habit of paying attention to what other people say and showing kindness to others.  For example, they can practice asking:

• “Can I sit next to you?”
• “Do you want to play with me?”
• “Would you like to share my snack?”
• “Can I help you?”

These small social skills help children build friendships and learn how to connect with others.

Learn to Take Turns

Healthy relationships are built on sharing and cooperation.  Taking turns teaches children that relationships are about giving as well as receiving.  All children need to learn how to take turns one way or the other, but autistic children may benefit from practicing these skills specifically.  Parents can practice turn-taking during games, conversations, and everyday activities.  Children can also learn that good conversations involve listening as well as talking.  Everyone deserves a chance to share their thoughts.

Teach Personal Boundaries

Children need to learn that every person has a right to control their own body.  They should understand that there are private body parts that other people should not touch. They should also learn that they should not touch another person’s private body parts.  Using clear, simple language helps children understand these important rules.

Ask Before Touching

Children should learn that even friendly touch requires permission.  For example, they can ask:

• “Can I give you a hug?”
• “Would you like a high five?”
• “Can I hold your hand?”

If the other person says “no,” children should learn to respect that answer.  Asking first teaches respect and helps children understand consent from an early age.

Teach Bodily Autonomy

Bodily autonomy means that every person is in charge of their own body.  Children should know that they can decide who touches them and when.  They should also understand that they do not have to hug, kiss, or touch someone if they do not want to.

Teaching bodily autonomy helps children understand that their feelings matter and that they have the right to make choices about their own bodies.

Practice Saying “No”

Many children are taught to be polite and cooperative.  While these are important qualities, children also need to know that it is okay to say “no.”  Practice situations where children can say things like:

“No, thank you.”

“I don’t want to do that.”

“Please stop.”

“I need some space.”

Children who practice saying “no” may feel more confident speaking up if they ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Teach Children to Recognize Unsafe Behaviors

Children should also learn the difference between safe and unsafe behaviors.  Parents can use simple, direct language and repeat these lessons often.  For example, children can learn that people should not touch the parts of their body covered by a swimsuit unless it is for health or hygiene reasons and a trusted caregiver is helping them.  They should also know that they should not touch another person’s private body parts.

Teach children that adults should not ask children to keep secrets about touching or show them pictures or videos of private body parts.  They should know that no one should ask them to take pictures of their private body parts or ask them to look at someone else’s private body parts.

Children should also understand that if anyone makes them feel scared, confused, or uncomfortable, they should leave the situation if they can and tell a trusted adult right away. These conversations help children recognize unsafe situations and understand that they can always ask for help.

Teach Children to Tell a Trusted Adult

Children should know what to do if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable or touches their private body parts.  They should understand that they can tell a trusted adult, such as a parent, grandparent, teacher, school counselor, or another safe adult.  They should also know that they will not get in trouble for telling someone what happened.  Talking about these situations before they happen helps children know what to do if they ever need help.

Why These Lessons Matter

Research shows that autistic people are more likely to experience sexual victimization than people who are not autistic (Ballan, 2012; Brown-Lavoie et al., 2014; Sevlever et al., 2013).

As teenagers and adults, some autistic people may have more difficulty recognizing unsafe situations, understanding another person’s harmful intentions, or knowing how to leave an uncomfortable situation.

Teaching boundaries, consent, and body safety during childhood helps children develop skills that can protect them later in life. These lessons also help them build respectful, healthy relationships with friends, family members, and future romantic partners.

Building Skills for the Future

Learning relationship skills begins long before children start dating.

By practicing kindness, communication, empathy, respect, consent, and personal boundaries, autistic children develop skills that will benefit them throughout their lives.

Every child deserves the opportunity to build healthy friendships, recognize safe relationships, respect other people’s boundaries, and feel confident setting boundaries of their own. These lessons create the foundation for healthy relationships in adolescence and adulthood.

As a guide, you might consider teaching the following as a child gets older:

Ages 3–5:

• Body parts: what your arms, legs, and head are, but also what body parts are in their swimsuit area.
• Safe touch: who can touch their swimsuit are and when, and who cannot touch their swimsuit area.

Ages 6–8

• Friendships: how can you be a good friend? How should friends treat you?
• Boundaries: what should you do if someone does something to you that you don’t like?
• Saying no: help you child practice saying “no”

Ages 9–12

• Puberty: how bodies change during puberty, hygiene
• Crushes: what they are, what to do when you have one, what to do if they aren’t reciprocated
• Consent: asking other people if you can touch them, hold hands, spend time together, etc…

Teens

• Dating: how to ask someone out, how to respond to rejection, how to treat a partner
• Online safety: not everyone online is honest, how to stay safe, what red flags to look for
• Birth control: When to use it, how to use it

Article By: The Autism ToolKit

Sources

Ballan M. Parental perspectives of communication about sexuality in families of children with autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. 2012)

Sevlever M, Roth ME, Gillis JM. Sexual abuse and offending in autism spectrum disorders. Sexuality and Disability. 2013

Brown-Lavoie SM, Viecili MA, Weiss JA. Sexual knowledge and victimization in adults with autism spectrum disorders. J Autism Dev Disord. 2014